Eating disorder? What is wrong with me..?

vera Asked: Eating disorder? What is wrong with me..?

It's a novel, prepare yourself.

I can not go two minutes without a thought about my size or eating anymore.
I'm embarrassed to eat, so I don't eat around my family/eat only small amounts. I avoid eating out at all costs.
I get it in my head that I need to starve myself, and then I think I have to eat just a little because if I don't I'll end up storing fat, and then I think **** it, this is stupid and I'm fine and I cave and eat whatever and then I feel like self harming because I just ruined any chance at being thin. I'm like, ******* bipolar with this.
Sometimes I don't eat for days, and sometimes I eat normally. Most of the time it's a constant battle between the two. It's breaking me.

I rarely go out anymore because I don't want to be seen and related or not, I've been extremely depressed. I don't want to go on medication or see anyone for it because last time I was prescribed something, I did gain weight and that set off anorexia after I dropped the meds that I didn't even realize was happening until I went from 135 to 100 in one summer break before it just stopped on it's own.

I'm small (5'2, lately varying between 108-119), but am disproportionate for my size. If I lose any more weight up top, my collarbones will rip through my skin. My stomach is completely flat and my arms are thin, etc. But once you get below my hipbones, which stick out, there's fat and cellulite, touching thighs, and a big butt. I'm a pear shape, and it kills my confidence and I can not get past it.

… what do I do. This is taking over my every thought and my life and I feel like until I can slim down my bottom half, I wont be content and this fire inside my mind wont stop. I don't even know what I'm asking, so… thanks.